It is not difficult to identify the conversations that in the course of a lifetime have been crucial to the way in which our lives have progressed. In many ways, we live our lives conversation by conversation.
Relationships develop conversation by conversation. They also unravel conversation by conversation.
When you learn to recognise these crucial conversations as they come along, and when you become more competent in achieving positive consequences from them, you are in a better position to manage your life effectively.
1. Speaking up when you disagree
Many of us are reluctant to speak up to disagree, especially when the disagreement is with someone more senior, older, or more experienced than we consider ourselves. We also hold back from disagreeing with people who do not like others to disagree with them!
We do ourselves a disservice. Each of us can lay claim to a unique set of data about the world and our view of it. Often it is the naive view of a non-expert or outsider that is the most valuable in finding an innovative solution to a problem.
2. Saying No
How often have you found yourself expending time, money and effort doing something that is important to someone else but has little value for you? Learning how to say no, and recognizing when to say it, is one of the most important ways in which you can protect your own integrity. Without this competency, you will find yourself at the beck and call of anyone who asks you to help them meet their goals and objectives, regardless of your own.
3. Refusing to be manipulated
Confronting a manipulative person with the reality of their behaviour is a high risk, but highly rewarding, conversation. If the manipulative person is also a bully, the conversation may turn out not to be as difficult as you had imagined. Bullies often respond very promptly and positively when someone stands up to them!
With others, you may not see an immediate change in their behaviour, but you can be sure that if your message got through at all, they will regard you with a little more circumspection in future.
4. Asking for feedback
You need feedback so you know you are on the right track. At work you need it so you can be certain that you are meeting standards, targets and expectations. In your important relationships you need to know that your behaviour is helping to build, and not damage, the relationship.
Whether at work, with friends or in marriages, you need constant feedback so you know how you are doing. You do not want to find out the answer to the question from a retrenchment notice or in the divorce court. Ask before it is too late.
5. Giving others feedback
Most of us experience times when we have to deal with someone who, in some way, drives us crazy. It might be a friend, family member or a colleague with whom we share a working space. Our first reaction is to bite our lips, afraid of a negative reaction if we speak up. Eventually however, our emotions get the better of us and we burst out in frustration or anger. The outburst does damage to the relationship and may actually entrench the behaviour. We end up worse off on both counts.
Learning how to recognise and handle these five categories of crucial conversation is vital to your ability to develop healthy relationships.
Maureen Collins trains people how to handle difficult conversations, on difficult topics, with difficult people in her consulting practice, Straight Talk. She has a B.Sc. degree in Psychology from Edinburgh University and over 25 years of consulting experience. She consults in communication in the workplace. In Straight Talk, Get free Straight Talk Tips. straight-talk.co.za