For most of us, the thought of confrontation sits up there with going to the dentist, making an off-the-cuff speech or being summoned by our bank manager.
What are we scared of? Are we afraid that our emotions will run away with us when we feel strongly about something? Are we scared of exposing ourselves to counter attack? Is it the knowledge that the stakes are high and relationships may be at risk that stops us speaking up? Or is it that we just do not have the skill to handle difficult conversations with people who see the world differently?
A confrontation involves facing up to reality, often an unpleasant or difficult reality. It might be your manager who, when you make a mistake, shouts at you in front of your colleagues. You are embarrassed and humiliated and feel you must confront him with his behaviour. Or it might be a colleague in an open plan office environment who stands at your desk to chat without seeming to notice that you are under work pressure. When we do not face up to situations like these, the other person often has no idea how we are feeling, and so their behaviour continues.
Over time, we become more and more upset and sensitive about the situation. As we become more emotional, the feelings of humiliation, frustration or anger make it unlikely that, even if we did decide to speak up, we would not be able to speak calmly. By not speaking up until it is too late, we have made it nearly impossible to ever speak up.
At the same time, by not speaking up we are tacitly accepting the behaviour that is causing our distress. Think what happens if you allow someone to speak to you in a way that you find disrespectful. You do not speak up. They continue to address you in this way, unaware of your feelings. Weeks, months, maybe years go by. Finally you make up your mind. This has to stop. You decide to speak up.
The person is surprised and perhaps embarrassed to find they have unwittingly been causing you distress. They may be upset that you have said nothing previously, leading them to believe the relationship was comfortable for you. They feel deceived, having trusted that their view of the relationship was shared by you. In consequence, they are likely to respond to you with justifiable indignation and anger and a difficult conversation turns into a stand up fight.
Of course, sometimes events overtake you! Your emotions may one day simply run away with you and instead of planning a conversation, you burst out with anger, accusation and blame. The raised voices, finger pointing, tears, and threats that follow will damage the relationship or even bring it to an end.
The lesson is clear. When faced with the need to have a confrontation, the best time to have it is sooner, rather than later. Problems that are ignored do not go away; nor do they stay the same. They often get worse. We become more emotional, and less competent to handle a conversation constructively. At the same time, the likelihood of a negative reaction from the other person when we do finally speak up, is that much greater.
The best thing to do is to plan a constructive conversation in which the issue can be raised calmly and cleared up. Then you can move on.
The most important thing is to think through exactly what you are going to say at the start of the conversation. You obviously feel strongly about the situation. In opening the conversation you must describe what has happened that has given rise to these feelings. Think of the facts, events, people, times, places, and the words that were used. You cannot be too specific. This background helps the other person understand the basis for your feelings.
Then describe how you feel. Stick to your own feelings. Avoid accusations such as the one in the phrase, You made me feel. Ask the other person how they see the situation. Make sure you listen. Then, and only then, will you be in a position to talk together about what has been happening and to try to reach agreement on going forward.
It is not easy, but it is worth it. Remind yourself that the dread of anticipating a confrontation is usually far outweighed by the relief that it is behind you.
Maureen Collins has a B.Sc. degree in Psychology from Edinburgh University and over 25 years of consulting experience. She specialises in communication skills in the business world. In Straight Talk, she trains people how to handle difficult conversations, on difficult topics, with difficult people.
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