How often have you smiled thinly at an unsavory joke, withheld a critical opinion, or kept silent instead of pointing out a mistake a colleague has made? There are many situations in which we choose not to speak up, or at least not to speak up with the truth, fearful that we will suffer, or cause, embarrassment. We hold our tongues in front of people who are more technically qualified than we are conscious of our lack of knowledge, even when we feel sure they are wrong. We stay quiet in groups when we are in some way an outsider, afraid that we will not be accepted. In our personal relationships we do not speak up in case we upset or embarrass others. At work, managers are reluctant to confront people who do not perform, so as not to create difficult working relationships.
We step around difficult issues, we are very polite, we pretend that all is well. In the short term there may be little consequence in not speaking up. But of course, the problem does not go away, and our discomfort and frustration increases. We begin to act out our emotions. We drop hints, make sarcastic comments and finally start to avoid the person whose behaviour we find distressful.
Meanwhile, the person is unaware of the negative effect they are having, and because they receive no feedback on which they could act, continue to behave in ways that may eventually limit their careers or their relationships. At the very least, our relationship with the person begins to disintegrate as the foundations of honesty, openness and trust are eroded.
It is said that what you allow someone to do, you teach them to do. When you allow someone to behave toward you in a way that you find unacceptable or stressful, and you do not speak up, they have little way of knowing how you feel, and so have no idea that they should change their behaviour. Inevitably, the longer you allow the situation to continue, the more difficult it will become to ever have a conversation in which you speak up honestly.
Ironically, we start off being polite to avoid speaking up, in case we damage people and relationships. In the end it is NOT speaking up that does far more serious damage.
Are you guilty of being polite when you should be honest? Rate the items below as True or False. If you rate four or more items as True, you are likely to be compromising your relationships by not communicating openly on how you feel or what you think. Ask yourself what the consequences would be if you were more honest, and try speaking up in some of the less difficult situations. You might be pleasantly surprised at the results.
1. When someone says something I disagree with, I would rather keep my opinion to myself than argue.
2. I would rather put up with poor performance from an employee than confront the person with negative feedback.
3. I would rather say Yes to a request, than turn it down and be thought unhelpful.
4. In awkward or stressful situations, I tend to hold back rather than give my full and candid opinion.
5. Sometimes I do not get my point across in conversations, even when I feel strongly about something.
6. I tend to use humour or sarcasm to avoid saying how I feel
7. I would rather avoid than confront a colleague whose behaviour I found offensive.
Maureen Collins has a B.Sc. degree in Psychology from Edinburgh University and over 25 years of consulting experience. She specialises in communication skills in the business world. In Straight Talk, she trains people how to handle difficult conversations, on difficult topics, with difficult people.
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